G.O.D., LLC

Posted: December 26, 2010 | Author: Anthony David Jacques | Filed under: Fiction | Tags: Christianity, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Comedy, Debt, God, Original Sin, religion, Sin/Debt, Tragedy, Trinity | 1 Comment »

Liam and Wendy did not talk, for what else was there to say? They walked quietly to church since Liam’s car was now gone, and since Wendy had already lent her car to a relative for the weekend. They walked to church and they held hands, and the world looked somehow different than it had the day before.

Their church was less than a mile away, but since they were walking they arrived much later than usual, and when they opened the doors the music was ending. Then the minister wallowed through the final verse of the previous hymn a capella, his mouth gaping around every vowel like a carp longing for tossed bread. The congregation soon wallowed along him.

O to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be.

Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

Less than two hours earlier there had been a knock on the door. For some reason Liam hadn’t thought until that moment what he ought to do that afternoon. As he walked to answer the door, the mid-morning light shone in through the lead glass windows of the entry way, and it occurred to him that it was the first sunny, relatively warm weekend of the year, so he really ought to wash and clean out his car before work tomorrow.

When he opened the door, however, his un-washed, un-cleaned out car was being hooked up to a tow truck which was, at the very least, in equal need of a wash. That may have struck him as ironic if he’d had a moment to think about it, but he did not.

While he was debating how to confront the tow company, he was looking past three men with suits and hats, who walked smiling into his living room and sat down. If they hadn’t done so, Liam may have slipped on his loafers, squeezed past the three men without saying ‘Good morning’ and confronted the tow truck operator personally.

Instead, Liam stuttered as they moved his tea and a plate of toast to one side of the coffee table, then opened their briefcases and set out several stacks of legal documents in manila folders. Liam was still staring in dumbfounded silence when Wendy walked out of the bedroom in curlers and loose fitting pajamas, shrieking at the sight of the three unexpected men.

She immediately ducked back into the hall and in a loud, whispered tone, as if the men couldn’t hear, she said, “Liam, why didn’t you tell me we had company?”

“Sorry, pumpkin. I honestly have no… idea…”

The first man stated, “Liam, there is much to explain and that is why we are here. To explain. Please have a seat.”

As Liam sat, his eyes still puzzling, his jaw slowly dropping, the second man picked up without missing a beat.

“Liam Anderson, is that correct?”

Liam nodded.

“We represent the Global Organization of Debt, Limited Liability Corporation. We are…” he smiled derisively, “We are arguably the financial backbone of the free world. We come to you today representing certain interests.”

“Okay.”

The third man now began to speak as he flipped past several pages in a file.

“Liam Anderson, no middle name, born April the first of nineteen-hundred-and-ninety-one?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Well that’s the first order of business, then.” The first man suggested, the others nodding in response.

They continued speaking in this manner, one after the other, as if there were no distinction whatsoever between them and that their presence may as well have been a single entity with three slightly varying personalities in three slightly different suits and hats.

“Liam Anderson, your name was given to you by your first adoptive parents. You are aware of this?”

“Yes, I know. I was adopted when-”

“We know, Liam. We have all the records.”

The second and third man held up various documents in manila folders.

“What you don’t know is that your real name, your legal name, is Arthur Pendleton, and your real parents and grandparents have now all died off completely, leaving you as their only living offspring.”

Nearly spitting out a mouthful of tea, Liam attempted to control his language, “Bloody Hell. Look, I never wanted to know my-”

“We understand, and though it may not matter to you, and we certainly intend to respect your choice not to know certain details regarding your biological…”

“Your progenitors, that is. We certainly intend to respect your desired ignorance of your progenitors on certain grounds…”

“In certain areas…”

“When possible…”

“However, there are other financial interests involved. Those are the interests that we represent.”

They each clasped their briefcases and lifted them off the table, using the extra space to further arrange the stacks of papers, folders and documents.

“Gentlemen,” came a voice from the bedroom, followed by a now dressed and hastily made-up Wendy. “Can I get you all something to drink?” She asked this as if maybe their permission was what she needed to get herself a drink, and a stiff one.

The three suited men traded glances while Liam stuttered, once again unable to express audibly the thoughts that were racing through his mind.

Finally, he said, “Wendy, I don’t think the Gee-Oh-Dee- is in need of much of anything, actually. They seem to have all the power right now.”

In response, the representatives of G.O.D. replied, “Oh, we do not mean to intrude upon your hospitality, Miss…” the first man flipped open some papers, pointed out the name to the second man.

“Uh… Ah yes, Miss Cook. Now, the two of you are not married, is that correct?”

Liam answered, “No, we’re not. What does that have to do with-”

“Financial culpability, Mr. Pendleton.”

“Yes, you’ve really dodged a bullet there, Miss Cook.”

“Indeed.”

The voice from the kitchen nearly shrieked, “Wait, this is about the Pendleton Estate?”

“You know about this, Wendy?”

“Everybody knows about the Pendleton Estate, Liam. Oh, this is so exciting,” then, biting her tongue, “The tea is lovely, isn’t it?” Her eyes drift to the yard where a man stands punching numbers into a calculator on a clipboard.

“Hold on, guys. My name is not Pendleton, it’s Anderson.”

“Well, the Pendleton estate falls to you, Arth- er… uh… Liam…”

“That’s right, the estate is now your responsibility. That includes all assets and all debts, the latter of which is our primary interest.”

Glancing outside, Wendy remarked, “Liam, honey, are we, I mean, are you being evicted?”

“What? Of course we’re not being evicted. I’ve never missed-”

“Then why are there police outside, standing near a moving van?”

“What?” Liam stood to look out the window, but his attention was diverted when the second man continued.

“Actually, Mr. Pendle-”

“Ahem,” the third man continued, “Mr. Anderson, this house represents a sizeable contribution to the debt that your estate represents.”

“Oh my God, Liam, you’re the Pendleton heir.” She shook the previous days newspaper headline in front of his seasick face:

Pendleton Heir Found!

G.O.D. LLC Informant Tells All!

* * *

The men asked if Liam wanted an attorney of his own before going forward, but since that would only delay the present discourse he said he’d like to hear it all now and decide what kind of attorney he ought to acquire. So the men spoke, laying out the legal backing for their argument at length, speaking nothing of the actual numbers just yet, while Liam and Wendy sat in dumbfounded silence.

“So technically speaking, legally speaking, this debt now belongs to you and…”

“And we must ask, at least ostensibly, that you continue working at your present job in order to…”

“To offset some portion of that debt within your lifetime.”

Liam and Wendy sat quietly as they had for the better part of an hour, but it appeared that the three men were finished with their discourse.

Liam scratched his head.

“Okay, okay…” the gears turning inside his brain, “So what if I declare bankruptcy?”

“Well sir, under the new laws enacted last January, you could win your case…”

“Of course, you’d still lose your car and your house…”

“And under the new definition of Limited Liability Corporation, you’d be culpable for all of our legal fees, win or lose, which would put you into an entirely new mountain of debt regardless…”

“These trials can drag on for years, sir.”

Liam’s head did a double take, as if those very words loomed there in the physical space in front of his head.

“Everybody knows that, Liam. Don’t you read the papers?”

Liam sunk into the couch, hoping the overstuffed cushions would slow the room from spinning wildly around him. The men waited for things to sink in while Wendy sipped on her now room temperature tea.

“So… what’s to stop me from offing myself this afternoon and saying to Hell with your debt?”

“Liam!” She swatted his arm.

Under his breath, into Wendy’s ear he whispered, “Relax, pumpkin, you know I believe suicide is a mortal sin. But what I’m saying is that these fancy-hatted mad-men would be up a very nasty creek if I decided to opt out of their plan for my life.”

The second man grinned, also whispering to his compatriots in turn, “I told you he was a smart one,” and,  “Didn’t I tell you?”

They nodded in reply.

Number two continued, “Well Arthur-”

“It’s Liam.”

“Well, sir, in most cases like this, that is precisely what occurs, and in very short order…

“Which is why G.O.D. rarely pursues it this way. But your case is unique…”

“You see, when you were in college, you participated in certain specific areas of medical… oh how to put this delicately…”

“In the donation of certain organic, biological materials for financial reimbursement…”

“Yes, certain life-giving-”

Wendy’s face lit up, “Liam, you were a sperm donor?” She swatted his arm again. Liam didn’t react.

“Well, the records of your donations are not exactly classified to us…”

“Not when there is this much money on the line…”

“And certainly not when the economies of so many developing nations depend on it…”

“We happen to own the recently conglomerated and consolidated Global Sperm Bank, LLC.”

Liam mused, “Developing nations…”

“Oh yes, it’s quite large, your particular debt.”

Liam’s eyes now completely glazed over, his reverie continued, “But I just paid off the last credit card…”

“So, when my colleague said, and I quote, ‘we must ask, at least ostensibly, that you continue working at your present job in order to offset some of that debt in your lifetime’, in reality, we might be much better off if you did, in fact, off yourself, to use your particular vernacular…”

“Not that we’d ever ask you to give your life…”

“Of course not, Mr. Pendleton. Not your life up until this moment, at least. We want you for the rest of your life, of course. But…”

“But if you did, well, with you out of the picture, we have dozens upon dozens of candidates who would then be financially culpable and if we may be frank, this is a sizeable estate whose debts we represent…”

“And as you must have surmised by now, should you declare bankruptcy and win, this debt would simply transfer to the next generation, and we have no shortage of candidates in that respect…”

“And you’d be in nearly the same position, even if you win…”

“So you see, Mr. Pendle- Mr. Anderson, we are simply trying to be reasonable.”

Liam’s head spun for a moment, “Are you asking me to… to live my life for some debt I had nothing to do with? To give it all to you, and then to die someday broke and worthless and alone, without a legacy of my own in this world?”

“Not at all…”

“Absolutely never…”

“No sir, Mr. Pendleton-Anderson, we are simply asking that you do whatever you can to-”

“To offset a debt I had nothing to do with, a debt I could never repay, and then, even if I’ve worked my whole life, well, it’s still going to fall onto the shoulders of children I’ve never met. I mean, how long does this cycle go on, for Christ’s sake?”

“Well,” the first man said, “Given the current rates of inflation, interest on the debts compounding…”

“Daily…”

“And of course, given the sheer size of the debt, the generations that it has been piling up within your particular family line…”

“I would speculate that it may take several hundred generations to offset this debt…”

“And that is, of course, granted your progeny have a statistically normal number of offspring themselves…”

“If they can find mates at all, that is…”

“For if the next generation has any less than the average two-point-eight children, well, that might extend this debt a further ten or twelve generations…”

“At least…”

“And that’s hoping that current interest rates and inflationary predictions are basically accurate…”

“We’re not sure humanity could take care of your debt at this rate,” the man on the left chuckled, but the other two furrowed their brows at their partner’s impoliteness. He adjusted his hat, “Apologies.”

* * *

A woman in a charcoal skirt-suit knocked and opened the door, “Is it alright if I just pop into the kitchen? Nothing helps an open-house like the smell of freshly baked bread.”

Dumbfounded, and in spite of the long string of profanities running through his mind, Liam hears himself say, “The oven’s broken. I was waiting to… get paid again next week.”

“Oh that’s alright,” the real estate agent says, opening her brief case. “I can’t bake worth a hoot. I just light these freshly-baked-bread scented candles.” She left some fliers and business cards on the hallway table on her way to the kitchen.

Liam shifted on the couch, leaned forward, “And what about my current debts, the ones I actually earned?”

“Well, you have just paid off the last of your credit cards, sir. Isn’t that right?”

“But the house, the car. I still have to pay those, on top of this mountain of debt I had nothing whatsoever to do with. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?”

The trio traded glances, but said nothing.

“Even after you’ve repossessed all of it?”

Looking into her almost empty tea cup, Wendy remarked, “Everybody knows that, Liam.”

Liam stood and Wendy stood with him in a subconscious act of solidarity. Wendy swirled the last of the tea around the bottom of the cup, then Liam walked to the door.

“Well, gentlemen. I thank you for your time. At least I know what sort of legal help I need to find for myself. Not that I can afford it, apparently, but I’d rather the courts decide that.”

“Naturally…”

“Indubitably…”

“But of course, Mr. Pendleton.”

He swung the door open, “Anderson, dammit. My name is Liam Anderson.”

“Mr. Anderson. Of course, sir. Apologies.”

“Now if you don’t mind, gentlemen, we have to get to church.”

“We thank you for your time, Mr. Pen- Anderson…”

“Yes, and thank you for your hospitality…”

“And yes, we will see you in court.”

So Liam slammed the door and, without another word, put on a clean shirt, shaved his face and splashed on some cologne to get rid of the smell of the freshly-baked-bread-scented candles.

He observed the rest of his normal pre-church preparations as Wendy collected the dishes and put them into the sink. On his way out Liam grabbed his blazer and his hat, and he and Wendy then walked to church under the confusing weight of such a unique conversation. Upon arrival they found their normal pew, and with tear-filled eyes sang from their hearts, Liam, wondering what on earth he could possibly do about all this, and Wendy, wondering if a pre-nuptial agreement could keep her off the hook financially, or if it would be better to leave him before he popped the question.

The reverend then repeated the final verse of the hymn before he moved on to the sermon.

O to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be.

Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

And until that day, Liam had no idea what a debtor he was. But he figured the right course of action would be to do his best to work off the debt the best he could. Because everyone knows you can’t fight G.O.D. Maybe he wouldn’t seek legal counsel after all, since that would only increase how great a debtor he was now, daily, constrained to be.

* * *

© Anthony David Jacques MMX

 

---